Ericka

1) Your Star Name: (name of first pet + street you grew up on)

Mittens Butterfield


2) Your Movie Star Name: (grandmother's/father's first name and favourite snack)

Ilyene Twix


3) Your Fashion Designer Name: (first word you see on your left and favorite restaurant)

Faith Montage


4) Your Socialite Name: (silliest childhood nickname and town where you partied)

Squirrell Waterloo


5) Your Fly Guy/Girl Name: (first initial and first three letters of your last name)

E Sim


6) Your Detective Name: (favourite animal and high school)

Cat Hudson


7) Your Barfly Name: (last snack food you ate and your favourite drink)

Hot Tamale Hypnotic


8) Your Soap Opera Name: (middle name and city where born)

Vawn Iowa City


9) Your Rock Star Name: (favourite candy and favourite musicans last name)

Twix Difranco


10) Your Opposite Sex Name: (name of opposite sex friend and cell phone company you use)

Chuck IWireless


11) Your Star Wars Name: (first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name /+/ first 3 letters of your pet's name + first 3 letters of the town you live in)

Simins Bonwat


12) Porn Star Name: (middle name and street you grew up on)

Vawn Butterfield

Lately it's been HORRIBLE. But I have a plan. Someone buy me a white noise machine! In the meantime, I have a smaller room other than my bedroom that currently just has random shit in it. I am converting this to the sleeping room. The only thing in it will be a bed and a stand on which to have a white noise machine and/or radio for music. That's it. And I'm putting up the darkest thing I can find in the window so it's pitch black. Blah. Anyone got any other ideas? I've tried most...but am willing to try again/try anything.

Your MONKEY DAEMON represents a nature that is
admired, detail-oriented, and full of
curiosity. Some people might call you
self-absorbed. You like to plan ahead, and hone
your various talents to perfection.


What Animal Would Your Daemon Settle As?
brought to you by Quizilla

somewhat maybe

I only used the people I physically know.

Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
( See divinemirage's results. )

I think that Jay really DOES have something he's not telling us about government ties...and also, my brother sucks.

I have cried more in the last few days than I have in the longest time. Saturday night I had the scariest hours of my life, as I watched helplessly not knowing whether someone I care so much about was going to live. He did, and I am so thankful for that. But it scared me. It made me realize how precious life is, and that the most important thing to do is to live, and to love. I am afraid because this is/was so hard, but I know that one day it will be worse. And I can't do anything about it. I am helpless, as I was that night. In this big chaotic, beautiful process of life I pride myself on helping others. But when it really matters, I'll always be left standing there, watching and knowing that I can't do anything to make any difference in the end. Understanding this inevitability scares the shit out of me.

So I did some yoga with a friend. I've been wanting to try it for a while but just never had the means/motivation. Anyways the instructional CD we used...it was crazy. It was kinda hard, which I expected as I am not very flexible. But I really liked it. Seems like the sort of thing I could actually stick to (imagine that). So, I'm going to have to look into doing it more often.

I have a headache and all I really want to do is fall asleep. But I can't. I tried. It just will not happen at this time.

Going to Chicago in a few days, I'm very excited about this. I love Chicago. I only wish I had more memory on my camera. And this time I'm not going to get pick-pocketed.

Peace out homies.

I hate that most of the time what you want to do and what you know you should do, what is best for you, are two different things. Lately I have been *trying* to be stronger and do what I know is best instead of what I want...but it's not always so easy. Actually, it's rarely easy. But I'm banking on the fact that it will make things better in the long run.

Everything happens for a reason, all we can do is try to figure out what that reason is.

Here's one of those times that working 3rd shift sucks. I'm tired as hell, but everytime I try to go to sleep someone's knocking on the door asking for something.

P.S. I really want to go to Chicago.

P.P.S. Loan me $300.

Sometimes I feel empty and lonely for no real reason. I guess it's just because...sometimes I have a hard time being alone, literally alone. Is this because I seek validation from others? Maybe. Maybe I just crave contact. Either way, I seem to feel this emptiness the most when my day has been filled with happiness. I guess I just don't want it to end. But today, I don't know...it wasn't particularly eventful or lacking...I just feel it strongly. Like I just lost something, but I didn't.

You are so confusing, and I am so stupid. "Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying." If only there was some consistency. If only one of us could be brave.

This is long, but I loved it so much. It was posted in the women's shelter I work at. It's a compilation written in honor of women's advocates.

I Am The Woman Who Called

I am the woman who called last week.
I am the woman who’s been calling for years.
I am the woman who’s on the phone right now.
Yo fui la que llame.
I am the woman who called.

I am the woman who cried herself to sleep last night.
I am the woman who felt really stupid.
I am the mother who said no man would ever do that to my baby and get away with it.
Soy la mujer que le tiene miedo a la migra.
I am the woman who thought I had no worth.

I am the stripper using lots of makeup, heroin, and booze.
I am the woman who said “Maybe I’m the batterer.”
I am the woman who thought there was no way out.
Soy la mujer que teme por sus hijos en su pais natal.
I am the father who buried his daughter and grandchildren.

I am the woman who is just so tired.
I am the woman who never breathed a word to anyone.
I am the woman who prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed.
Soy la mujer que se atrevio a decir, “No mas!”
I am the woman who will never leave.

I am the brother who said I’d rather go to jail
than watch my sister and the kids get hurt one more time.
I am the woman who was too afraid to come out as a lesbian.
I am the woman who lied for him cause me and the kids needed a home and food.
Soy la mujer que llamo escondida debajo de mi escritorio porque me trato de matar.
I am the woman who fought back.

I am the woman who pretended to run him over just so he could see what it felt like
to be that afraid.
I am the friend who hid her in my house.
I am the woman who gave you a hard time at first only to heap blessings on you
by the end of the call.
Soy la mujer que murio y espero entierro por nueve meses.
I am the woman who spoke no English, had no papers and very little hope.

I am the woman who found out my new boyfriend raped my teenage daughter.
I am the woman who said I’d taken pills and just wanted someone
to be with me til the end.
I am the woman who said I had made it and wants to give back just a little of what I got.
Soy la mujer que ahora se rie a carcajadas porque en ese entonces no me podia reir.
I am the husband who almost killed my wife and said I’d watched my dad
kill my mom when I was a boy.

I am the woman who gave as good as she got.
I am the woman who never backed down.
I am the woman who got my GED, my Masters, my Ph.D. and who now runs a Shelter.
Soy la mujer que le ayuda otras.
I am the woman who is free.

Book meme

The total number of books I have owned:

Um wow, a few hundred I'd say.

Last book I bought:

"Bitch" by Elizabeth Wurtzel

Last book I read:

"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Five (or approximately five) books that mean a lot to me:

"Story of B" by Daniel Quinn

"Prozac Nation" by Elizabeth Wurtzel

"The Mind's I" compilation - various authors

"A People's History of the United States" by Howard Zinn

"A Night Without Armor" by Jewel

...and by that I don't mean get married. My tenacity is my biggest enemy. When I want something I dive in face first, bull-headed, and keep getting deeper and deeper despite the fact that I might be setting myself up to fall. When I think something is worthwhile there's nothing anyone can say or do to change my mind. And when I think something is worthwhile I think it's worth fighting for. Tooth and nail. To the death? Feels that way at times. So I fight, because it's what I do. I love this about myself. I hate this about myself. Why do I always have to feel everything about everything? Grrr. Sometime I just want to feel one way, and that's it. Period.

If good things come to those who wait...isn't that just the leftovers from the people who got there first?

I believe that perhaps dissatisfaction is human nature. The more I like around me...everyone finds something wrong, something to be unhappy about. And everyone focuses so much attention on this that they forget about all the wonderful things in their life. There can be one bad thing and 398439 good things, and we will automatically focus our attention on that one bad thing. I hate this, I hate that I do this, and it is my goal to change this. (I wonder how many times I have said this!?) Ah well, c'est la vie.

It's been an interesting weekend. Had fun with fireworks Sat. night and on the actual 4th. It was good times. Had to deal with some realities this weekend that I don't really want to face, but I guess that's all a part of life. But I have decided that as long as I'm still alive there's hope for anything to happen.

My luck = as soon as I find a job I like...it's in jeopardy. Argh.

Well, I've come to enjoy one benefit of working 3rd shift...because I'm in an office, there's obviously a window...which mean I get to see the sun rise. Aside from this last week it's been a really long time since I've been up early enough to see that. I forgot how much I enjoy it.

I swear to god if Mark calls me and wakes me up again after I've only slept for three hours...who am I kidding, I won't do anything about it. Not like I sleep much anyways. I have a hard time trying to sleep for any signifigant amount of time during the day, especially in a house with no air conditioning. Bah humbug.

Ok I think I am feeling extra emotional lately...earlier I cried watching Fresh Prince, and now I'm crying watching Queer Eye. But, I love that I cry at stupid shit. I'm awesome.